A few years ago, I was living back in my hometown and our church did a series called 'Iowa Nice'. I'll be honest, I probably missed a couple sermons and I couldn't, for the life of me, tell you what all the nitty gritty details of that series were today, but the theme was that it's one thing to be 'nice', it is something else entirely to be genuine and transparent. That something else entirely is a little tricky to find, but pretty spectacular when you do. It's hard to miss and really beautiful when you're able to live it out.

I struggle with this 'Iowa Nice' thing. I think this season of struggle and heartache and exhaustion has taught me that in an unhealthy way, in my mind it's easier for me to say 'yes' and allow others to so influence my behavior just to avoid some conflict or friction. I'm (re)learning that sometimes it's way more than necessary for me to un-plug, un-commit, and maybe even un-learn some things in order to un-interrupt the beauty of just being where you're at: strugglebus 'n all.

Nearly a year ago, I took my special 'treat-yo-self' fund and bought a ticket to a conference called Birth Without Fear. Anyone who knows even a sliver of my heart knows all I want is to be a mama bear and smother all my baby bear cubs with all the love that makes me the crazy individual that I am. They also know that I am a quirky, hopeless romantic who wants almost desperately (I just don't like that word, makes me sound weak, which... I'm not really in a place to admit/agree to) to find her other-half / sweetheart / beloved / life-partner / mate / companion / lover ... you get the idea. (Sorry if I lost ya on that run...) These are the desires of my heart, but it turns out that you have to, like, eat and sleep in order to do any of the other wonderful, adventurous things this life can entail. I have spent the last five years trying to explore and discover how I can take my desire to be a mama bear and lover/helper and put it into practice to financially support my life. I was able to train as a doula four years ago and was so crazy on fire - I'd share with anyone and everyone who would listen to me. It was awesome. I'm not huge into astrology signs, but my inner Aries was in full-flame. I learned a lot of extremely helpful pieces of information at that training and through all the people and resources I was able to access because of that training, but I haven't been able to dive into the birthing world too much in these last nearly five years because of the aforementioned strugglebus of life and bills and surviving and such. 
You know, details.

That conference was today. I have been in such a heavy, dark place these last few months that just getting myself to work and coming home to sleep every night has taken more than my energy reserves have been able to re-collect and squirt back out everyday. Today was exhausting, to say the least, but just as Mama J (January Harshe, the magical unicorn of a human and founder of Birth Without Fear, herself,) warned, very healing. We covered SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. She is the epitome of that something-else-entirely I spoke of earlier. She is grace and truth and grit and love and exactly the cheerleader I was needing for this season. There was something really difficult for me to be in a room full of women (and a few super supportive men!) sharing their birth stories when I didn't have one and don't honestly know if/when I will (I know I'm not OLD, old, but the clock is ticking and when you're not actively trying, you don't know if everything works like it's supposed to, ya know?) Everything she said in regards to pregnancy and birth and postpartum so related to my messy life of singleness. I'm not trying to be all 'woe-is-me', I'm really just trying to be honest and it's hard. Life is hard! I was hoping and expecting to walk away from today with a better direction career-wise of what my next steps should look like and a re-ignited passion for supporting families in bringing their honeys into the world with a voice to have the birth experience they choose. I can't say that didn't happen at all, but it was more of a loud and clear affirmation that this season of saying 'no' and agreeing to less is more than okay. It's necessary for me and if others aren't a fan of it, they can deal and find a different way to work through their next season of struggle, one that works better for them.

*I share these things because if I need to hear them, someone else out there probably needs to hear it too.*

Our world is constantly changing. Yes, history repeats itself, but each generation has its own strange new quirks to navigate and we don't always know how to encourage each other on this journey. I went to this conference with an expectation of direction and clarity. I walked away with confirmation that even when life is difficult and feels too tough to handle, there are people who are going through something entirely different, but equally as hard and as crazy as it is to wrap my mind around, we're both going to make it through the storm stronger than when we entered it. I am eager to be wiser and be able to encourage others in seasons with similar struggles, but for now, I just appreciate those who have learned how to use their voice to encourage, empower, and build others up. Just trying to flex those muscles more and more so I can do the same. 

Thanks Mama J, so appreciate your love and passion to share your wisdom and build community. 

xo

'you doula what??' + first attempt at a lactation cookie recipe

So... all my life, I've dreamt of being a momma. Lots of little chicklets running around and me just pouring my overabundance of love on them and having adventures everyday. Fair enough, right? Well, not too long after I came to grips with the fact that that was more than an okay dream to have, I realized I simply can't do it on my own and will need someone wonderful to help me make it a reality... 

Unfortunately, Mr. Wonderful seems to still be on the loose.

(Wah, wah... I know.) 

Anywho. I have tried plenty of things that fit my fancy. I've dabbled here and there at different trades and skills. For the most part, I've liked them all... but have you ever met someone who was so crazy in love with what they do every day that their joy just completely saturates their entire being?? Have you ever just wanted so much to walk a day in their footsteps to see what it was that was so invigorating about what they do moment-by-moment to give them such a fire for life?

Exciting thing: I found it. :) Well, I found it for me, anyway. 

And I'm so unbelievably thrilled to tell you about it. As a matter of fact, if you were sitting right here next to me, you'd probably have to physically shut me up or fall asleep before I'd stop telling you about it. It's so wonderful. :)

Last summer, my incredible brother and sis-in-love announced that they were having sweet babe #3. Thankfully, we have a friendship that is very open and she allowed me to poke and prod and ask questions that some women wouldn't have welcomed. They also were so very kind and allowed me to be at the monumental moment of my very first niece's birth. 

What an experience. 

It was nothing short of amazing. Ashley is pretty much a professional when it comes to carrying and having babies. Seriously, she made it look way too easy.

First slumber party with my sweet niece! Just hours after her birth. Such a gorgeous lil miss.

My best friend is a nurse out in Colorado and had shared with me her experience of training to be a doula as part of her studies to become a nurse. I was intrigued, but unsure of my qualifications. After witnessing my sis give birth, I knew I wanted to know more. I'd alway been interested in the process of pregnancy and childbirth and figured I really couldn't lose too much by attending a training. I searched and searched and contacted multiple training centers and educators all over the country and found only one that seemed to be a real, genuine human on the other end. 

Luckily for me, she wasn't too far away either.

I signed up to train under Liz Abbene, CD(DONA) (Certified Doula of DONA Int'l), LCCE (Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator), CBC(CBI)(Certified Breastfeeding Counselor through Childbirth International), BDT(DONA)(Birth Doula Trainer of Dona Int'l), CLEC(Certified Lactation Educator Counselor), and just recently, IBLCE(International Board of Lactation Consultant Examiners). Liz is the Alpha Mama at Enlightened Mama in St. Paul, Minnesota. 

I can't tell you the anticipation I experienced those few weeks from signing up to walking through the door.

June 1st, I journeyed north to the Twin Cities where I was able to stay with a very dear friend (that's a whole other super cool story, perhaps next time!) and Monday morning I headed off to my first day of doula training! 

My journey was a little extra eventful with dark skies, big raindrops, and tornadoes!

Liz is so unbelievably knowledgeable. I am biased, but I'm pretty sure it's safe to say she's the expert of pregnancy and childbirth. Myself and ten other women from all different walks of life, sat together and soaked up as much as we could about breastfeeding, growing humans, and giving birth as we could fit in into our four days together. Some of us were able to stay for a bonus seminar with Dr. Mark Sloan (no, not from Grey's Anatomy) and learned about the differences and long term effects of vaginal and cesarean births. We had hands-on practice with coping and comfort techniques. We met families who shared their birth stories with us, both simple stories and very complex and scary birth stories and the roles and benefits their doula played in their birth. We were given the opportunity to connect with different programs, agencies, and the birth collective of the Twin Cities. As women interested in the process and experience of birth, we were learning that there is a serious need and that the world is our oyster!  

Looking back, I love the difference between day one and day four. Initially, I was nervous entering as a single woman who had never had a child and only experienced birth as a bystander. (Turns out of the 11 of us only three were mama's!) By day four, I hated to leave. These women had become my tribe, my people! I know I couldn't have received better, hands-on, interactive training ANYWHERE else (and I'd certainly looked far and wide!) One of the best things about Liz's training approach is that she had us share personal experiences throughout each topic. This allowed us all to connect to what it was that we were learning with a very first-person mentality, because of her teaching tactic, we had little to no disconnect. (And trust me, there was a lot of information!)

Me and my new tribe! :) 

Upon returning home, I shared my excitement with EVERYONE I came in contact with. I jabbered too many people's ears off... (Thank you to those of you gracious individuals who allowed me to share with you. You helped tremendously in my processing!) I devoured books by Ina May Gaskin (and now, very much would like to meet her in person, please!) Within a week I had found a family to practice my newfound knowledge and passion with. (This is another super cool story in and of itself!)

Seeing that this family was quickly approaching their due date, we condensed and fast-tracked our meetings a bit. We shared excitement and anticipation until I got the call that they were heading into the birthing center. (I think excitement and anticipation are a bit of an understatement!) 

Once I arrived and labor was in full-swing, I couldn't help but keep thinking over and over again, "I love this SO MUCH, I swear, I could do it all day, everyday!" It was such an intense and intimate situation with trials and victories, laughter and tears, pain and joy... Oh my goodness, it was amazing.

I got home late that next night or early that next morning (either way) and lay in my bed; body exhausted, mind and heart racing with adrenaline. At that moment, I decided once a week might be sufficient... but loved it all the same. 

As a doula, I have the privilege of meeting with the family not just as they anticipate the arrival of their child, but also in walking with them as they process the event postpartum. I can't express the honor it is to be trusted with sharing such an intimate and exciting moment in a family's life. I am extra blessed that my first family are dear friends of mine and are gracious enough to answer lots of pressing, sometimes personal questions regarding their pregnancy and birth experience and are kind enough to allow me to use them as guinea pigs for my first attempt at different tricks and tools (like the lactation cookie recipe below!) 

I know this is just the beginning of an incredible adventure. I cannot express the gratitude I have for God's graciousness in allowing me to find this less than common profession and pursue it whole-heartedly... I cannot imagine a better fit for my character, gifts, and heart than assisting women and their families in bringing a new life into the world. 

Ah, such an honor. :)

//

For those of you choosing to breastfeed, try out this fool-proof, super versatile recipe to help increase your milk-supply!

Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.  

In a small mixing bowl or mug, mix together 4 tablespoons water and 2 tablespoons flax meal. Set aside.

In a large mixing bowl, beat: 1 cup of butter (two sticks traditionally), 1 cup packed brown sugar, 2 eggs, 1 teaspoon vanilla, and 2 tablespoons molasses one at a time. Add one ingredient at a time.

If you've been advised to steer clear from dairy, Earth Balance has a dairy free substitute.

I suggest organic Blackstrap Molasses if at all possible, but this gem was hiding in our cupboard, so rather than throwing it out, I made the executive decision to put it to use...
Molasses is the mineral rich portion pulled from cane sugar. The iron and other minerals of molasses are easy to absorb making it a great help for new mamas lacking in iron. 

In a medium mixing bowl, stir together the following dry ingredients: 2 cups flour, 4 tablespoons Brewer's yeast, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1 teaspoon fresh ground nutmeg, and 1 teaspoon fresh ground ginger.

Mix the wet and dry ingredients into the large bowl.

The flaxseed and water mix together to create a gelatinous substance. The milled flax seed is beneficial to a breastfeeding mama because of its abundance of fiber and omega fatty acids (which are also critical for brain development and growth in sweet babes!) 

Add 3 cups old-fashioned, thick cut oats, 1/2 cup carob chips (or chocolate chips), 1 cup dried cherries (or your choice of dried fruit), 1/2 cup slivered almonds (or your choice of nuts). These ingredients in particular are super versatile - I used what I had on hand, but whatever fits your fancy will work!

Again, if you've been advised to steer clear from dairy, Sunspire has dairy free carob chips and Enjoy Life has dairy, wheat, and soy-free chocolate chips.

Scoop onto a well-greased or parchment-lined baking sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes. 

Enjoy!

//

I couldn't help myself... in my research for putting these bad boys together, I came across 'Lactating Fountains of Italy'... had to share this beaut! Ladies, I hope this recipe has the same effect on you and your milk supply! :)

Fontana di Nettuno, located in Bologna's Piazza Nettuno.