self-love = getting out to catch the sunrise

We thought we'd for sure missed it...

All these colors and changes presented themselves within a half-hour.

Had anyone been around, they probably would have thought we were on a roller coaster or something, hooting and cheering like we'd never been out in the fresh air!

I just can't even...

Unfortunately, I had my 50mm lens on my camera which didn't allow me to catch the sun actually rising AND Mt. Hood at the same time, but I think it's safe to say there was enough beauty flowing it doesn't matter too terribly much. This shot was dramatic and incredible. Ah. :)

This is my view each morning as I struggle to make my way through traffic... It's distracting to say the least, but without it, that drive would be completely unbearable.

'white-knuckling'

Life is hard. 

Am I right?

I mean, I don't have anything out of the ordinary to really complain about, but this crazy thing that I somehow always feel I need to have a real grip on (life), is confusing, and grey and, just really hard to navigate!

I am a feeler. 

I base my thoughts and decisions and opinions more off of my intuition and emotions than on pure logic and reasoning. That being said, I feel very deeply. Everything. I don't know how to change this. Being more 'mindful' of it often merely highlights the fact that my heart is very active and can get distracting from things that need my focus and attention. 

I have a good grip of who I am and I very much enjoy that individual. I am also a people pleaser and do what I can to do just that... I like being happy; therefore, I enjoy being a catalyst and brightening other peoples' days. Not entirely a bad thing. 

Until. I let it go too far. 

Recently I found myself compromising who I am deep down in my core in an attempt to impress someone I knew and cared for many moons ago. Nothing I was doing was beneficial to either of us. My Our communication was nearly nonexistent. I found myself keeping to myself because he didn't seem interested and would mostly only share critical comments on who I was and the fears that I carried with me. Through all this, I discovered a hang-up I have allowed into quite a few areas of my life: I am now aware that I am pretty notorious for 'white-knuckling'. 

This experience has taught me that I cling to that which I desire the most in fear of losing it, but that desperate energy that fuels my existence chases these things away. (Duh. Scary!) Apparently, sometimes the mere purpose of a relationship is to tear down your walls. Shake you awake. Reveal the best parts of you to you. Sometimes that requires ample amounts of ruthless self-awareness and introspection. Again, not easy and certainly not fun.

Through all this discovery, I've come to the conclusion that there is an expiration to how long we hold onto something. We are unable to hold onto something that is no longer serving us - sometimes this comes in the form of an unexpected expense, an unfortunate layoff, or a super out-of-the-blue blindsiding breakup. When something is no longer serving our best interest, it will be removed from our lives regardless of our preference. If you're over attached to someone out of fear of being alone, that clinging and clutching result in even greater pain when the relationship ends or shifts into another direction.

What am I doing to rid my life of this hangup? 

That's a great question...

I don't have a formula.

My approach is going to be one that allows more room for freedom and encouragement to be myself, less room for painful criticism and the perspective of unworthiness, and more room for acceptance, satisfaction, and love. 

I know this might sound pretty hippy, dippy, but heartache sucks and sometimes the revelations it brings with it are kind of mind-blowing!

We all have the opportunity to surrender to the natural flow of life, love, true connection. The trick is whether we allow ourselves to loosen the grip we've become so accustomed to in order for authenticity to shine through. My goal is to embrace change and step out in to this beautiful world with an open heart and open palms!

Poky to Boise ...better late than never. :)

The next few posts will be a little out of order, but I need this particular memory and happenstance for the post I'd really like to be composing at the moment... how's that for building the anticipation?? :) 

My trip out west was one of necessity and healing of sorts... it still is. There's just something about this crazy life that has me drawn to the best coast... I'm still working on pin-pointing some of those details. 

ANYWHO. 

On my way out here, I made the most of my trip. My heart was (and still is, for the most part) pretty tender and broken from leaving the people I love more than anyone else. (I know, the whole life and situation is such a conundrum!) 

As noted previously, I had the pleasure of catching up with my dear friend, Hannah, in Denver. I was also able to catch up with my Ashley Grace, but unfortunately can't seem to find photos documenting such an occasion. I was also able to stop in Pocatello to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousins! (More on that in another post - told ya it'd be non-sequential for a bit!) Post-Pocatello I had great plans of a mini-sabbatical for myself. I was exhausted from wrestling with this whole life transition and committing to starting over somewhere so far from my family and actually following through and making the move - it's a lot of crazy details and miles!  

The skies were a bit dicy on my 3-ish hour drive... I'll refrain from sharing some of the other photos... It was fitting, yet again, for the heavy heart that always seems to go along with leaving family. 

It's hard to deny that Boise was ready for me though... JUST LOOK AT THOSE SKIES!

Brace yourself...

The next few photos are so scrumptious that you'll fully understand why I nearly didn't leave for two days... 

I discovered an app called 'Roadtrippers' a few months before my move and was captivated by it pretty much the whole time leading up to this grand adventure. The first thing I knew I needed to include in my trip was a quiet two-day chunk to catch up on sleep and journaling and just process what all was going on in my life and my heart. 

Boise looked like the best stop to do so. 

...the Boise Guesthouse only enhanced the experience.

Boise Guesthouse - Downtown Boise, Idaho

My first step in the door, I was welcomed by a video of a fire burning... This might sound cheesey, but believe me, it was such a delight. Just the rhythm of movement and crackling of the flames were very soothing and warm. 

I always have a special appreciation for Punk Rock Green bathrooms!!!

It took me no time to make myself right at home... did a little yoga by my sweet little fire, composed a few notes to those back home, and settled into a restful night of my favorite apéritif and a cup of two-buck-chuck-Cab-Sauv - yum.

I slept like a queen... something that I am, super unfortunately, not good at. This place was so dreamy. So relaxing. I never wanted to leave! I knew that my next destination was my final destination and that I'd soon be thrown back into reality. A very new and unknown reality. So much of me was pretty unsure whether I'd made the right choice or not!

Breakfast in bed.

Being a 'guesthouse' rather than a bed and breakfast, the Boise Guesthouse outsources their meals to a restaurant downtown, you've got the choice of leaving this dreamy wonderland of an oasis and enjoying your meal at the restaurant, OR they'll deliver it to your door.

Clearly I chose the latter.

This trip was such a necessary bridge from my life in Iowa to my new life on the best coast, but it was very emotionally taxing... Well, the whole thing was emotionally taxing... the trip helped to work through the emotions. During my visit in Denver, Hannah suggested I catch up with another classmate from the school we'd met at, Meagan. 

I had had few encounters with Meagan, but all were lovely... for me anyway, poor girl ended up in the ER during one of them - that was super awful for her. :(

I sometimes feel pretty awkward attempting to reconnect with people I didn't know super well previously. That to say, I wasn't nervous to meet up with Meagan, but I didn't really know what to expect or if she'd be able to handle my emotionally heavy self even just for one meal. 

I should have known better. 

A lot better. 

Meagan is such a beautiful soul.

She's one of those rare people who, while in her presence, you just find peace. She is a phenomenal listener and encourager. She's a fellow dreamer, which is always welcomed and appreciated. 

Unfortunately, this photo is more focused on the food than her beautiful face, but there's more to come, don't  you worry. 

Shangri-La Tea Room and Cafe - Boise, Idaho

Meagan has discovered health issues since our time at Ecola and has been so proactive in her healing process. I just can't tell you how encouraging my time with her was.

Sometimes I look back and wonder why I didn't get to know her better at Ecola, but it always comes down to the fact that I'm certain God knew I needed her friendship more in this season than I did then. Her love and support is so empowering. She's just so wonderful.

All this talk of health and healing and we totally splurged on a piece of raw cashew 'cheesecake'.

Here's my beauty! Just look at that smile. Doesn't it make you want to wrap her in a bear hug??? Yeah, me too. :)

So, I mentioned way at the beginning of this post that it was leading to the post I really want to share... that's very true, but I have to confess that blogging is a little exhausting. There. I said it. :)

I wanted to share this post first, to note how thankful I am that I was able to reconnect with sweet Meagan. I wanted to note that she shared things with me concerning her health journey that were so difficult and discouraging, and yet, she somehow was able to turn it into a knowledge of empowerment, where I was eager to jump into life and chase that ideal of true health that I sometimes feel like we, in this country, know so little about. 

Meagan lit the fire in my heart to chase my dreams of knowledge and wholeness that sometimes I think I'm the only one capable of seeing. Even if it was only a mere moment, I know she held onto that dream and carried it with me. 

Kind of a lousy way to wrap something up... but that's okay. All that to say: this was a very special time of rejuvenation and rest in order for me to jump into the next season of my life: Portlandia. 

:) 

st. mary's glacier | alice, colorado

One of my favorite things about Hannah is that she's always up for adventures and exploring, big or small. She also always seems to know of the best places to find these adventures. 

For this particular adventure, I had just left my family and loved ones and driven through the great state of Nebraska while Hannah had just put nearly forty hours in in a mere three days... we were both pretty low on energy. 

The hike was gentle. For a while we were the only ones out there... before we knew it, people seemed to be coming out of the trees! It was fun to see all the different people. Nature does things to people. Everyone we encountered was smiling and delightful. There was a young family that especially stood out to me as they had a whole crew of littles, all different shapes, sizes, and colors... most of them were either dressed to the nines or in a costume of some sort. :) I think I'll try that the next time I take a hike too.

It felt as if we were a million miles away from civilization. We really should have been unplugged... These photos are all from my phone, so clearly we weren't, but it was nice to feel that freedom. The air up there was so delicious: crystal clear and oh so fresh. :)

I'm pretty sure she was mocking me for the next few photos, but we were in stitches and the photos just capture how much fun we have together, so I kept them. 

The air we breathe, the water we drink, and the land we inhabit 

are not only critical elements in the quality of life we enjoy - 

they are a reflection of the majesty of our Creator.

beast + bottle | denver, colorado

Whilst on my ever enchanting grand adventure, I made a stop in Denver for some majorly overdue quality time with my best gal, Hannah. We always have a blast together and this visit, of course, was no different. We also always eat really well while we're together. 

It's of utmost importance to surround yourself with people who appreciate the same things as you. We appreciate food. (...and Jesus, and nature, and good conversation, and adventures, and exploring, but those are ALLLLL separate stories in and of themselves... all for another day... or post, whichever comes first!)

One of the many amazing stops we made was at beast + bottle. Hannah had been wanting to try it out and we were in the area already so I could get some fun postcards.

Hannah being beautiful while my bloody mary takes the edge off the exceptionally warm day!

It was an absolutely gorgeous day. When I left home, it was chilly and wet. Naturally, that's then how I packed... In all honesty, most of my time in Denver, it was freakin' hot. 

Someday I'll learn.

I hope.

Every once in a while, I get these weird cravings. They mostly come in the form of bacon, buffalo chicken dip, lentils, and maple donuts (not at the same time, but those are the top four culprits) -- this was one of those difficult days where I was just really craving a good bloody mary... 

...and bacon. 

Preferably together.

I sometimes find myself a little hesitant to branch out and try things that are unfamiliar and different... especially if it's something I'm paying for and there's a sure, tried and true version out there I could opt for instead. I decided to be brave (thanks to the wonderful waitress' coaxing and incredible description of their options) and tried the mesquite bourbon bloody mary. I'm not typically a bourbon girl, but this was delicious. Seriously, when you next are in Denver and visit beast + bottle, this is something you'll write home about. So good.

This summer was kind of interesting at home, notably mild. My dad has an incredible green thumb and typically grows TONS of big, bright red tomatoes right off their deck, but this summer was so slow to warm up that there were quite a few that stayed green all summer until, finally, it did end up freezing. :( 

Part of me was hoping they wouldn't ever turn and I had really good intentions of frying those lovely green tomaters, but alas, never got around to it... thankfully it was an option at beast + bottle too! Their homemade goat ranch was out of this world! 

Fried pickles and in-house goat milk ranch dressing, of course.

Breakfast perfection, don't mess.

My most favored breakfast go-to is always the classic: eggs, bacon, and toast (and hashbrowns, if I'm lucky!) This is one of those things that when you know it's good, you just don't mess with it. Leading up to my departure, I had so many breakfasts and dinners with dear friends for good-bye's sake, that I don't think a day went by that I didn't have bacon. Denver was no different. I hadn't had any this day and I needed my bacon fix. Delicious, local, homegrown, happy eggs, bacon, and sourdough bread. Easy to mess up, but so worth it when you get it right. :)

Go to beast + bottle, you won't regret it.

life in the FAST LANE

Today is day 3 of my (hopefully) 10 day adventure heading west... days 1 and 2 were a little rocky, as I should have expected. I have so much love for my family and dear friends at home that it hurts a lot to leave. 

Driving down to Des Moines with raindrops to match my tears.

On day 1 I drove through weather that perfectly reflected my weepy soul. Tears and excitement fueled the drive and once I got there my dear friend Tina helped me process and identify what was going on - she didn't realize it though because I told her I didn't want to talk about it. :) Time completely escaped me over coffee with an incredible friend, Tricia, at my very favorite cafe in Des Moines, La Mie. (Sidenote: La Mie is as French as you can get... outside of France, of course. The food and ambiance is out of this world and absolutely perfect, check it out on 42nd just off 235!) The fun continued downtown at Malo -- also an incredible dining experience! 

Tricia treated me to a cocktail at Malo's and I picked 'El Jefe'
in honor of my dad as that's what we have called him for the past decade or so.

Tricia got a 'Templeton Mule', which was surprisingly subtle and refreshing!
It was made of Templeton Rye whiskey, brandy, lemon juice, and ginger beer.

I remember sitting there trying to take the evening in... my two best friends from growing up were sitting kitty-corner from each other; one to my right, the other across the table from me to my left, sweet Tina was on my left, my old roommate and her fiance were across from me, and my wonderful Cody was the head of the table to the right. I can't fully explain how full and content I was during this meal. The location was something to be appreciated, most certainly, and the food was perfect as well... but there's just something to be said (that I'm clearly struggling to put words to) for having a full day week of being surrounded by people you love and who love you and who you know so well and who know you so well... on my way down to Des Moines, I was feeling guilty for not being content at home, for always having this longing to go and explore and experience things. At dinner I had countless moments where I was second-guessing whether or not I was making the right decision in leaving such a great place with so many people that I not only love, but so enjoy as well. 

If you're wondering, I still feel a bit guilty for leaving such a good thing... but I'm confident I'm heading in the right direction. :)

I do have to confess that it's my hope and prayer that I can find a community out west where I can know and love people like I do the ones back home. Obviously not to replace anyone, just to know that full-hearted feeling I had at dinner Monday. I know God will provide as he always has before, but it is one of those things I have identified as a serious need in my life. 

So, after dinner Monday, a few of us continued on to my friend, Cody's new downtown loft (or fancy new bachelor pad! as I like to refer to it.) The conversation and laughter never ceased. It was the perfect ending to a heavy-hearted day. 

Yesterday was not my favorite... the spitty rain on my way down to Des Moines Monday was a bit depressing to drive through, but I was so thankful that it wasn't windy. Tuesday was not so lucky. The wind was unreal. The struggle was out of control. I could have filled a cuss jar before lunch rolled around. It was pretty much me and a bunch of semi's and campers, so not only was I struggling to keep my vehicle on the road, but I was doing my best to dodge the large swerving trucks and the like as well. 

Fun fact.

I had to stop quite a few times because the wind was such a pain. I stopped at a coffee shop at an outlet mall just outside Omaha and had the most incredible dirty chai! I can't for the life of me remember the name of the coffee shop or special drink though! :( (Looks like I could have used a good dose of lotion on my alligator hands - yikes.)

The wind finally died down and it was flatlands for miles.

Nebraska in and of itself wasn't horrible - I really should blame the wind. It was pretty. I was pretty thrilled when all of a sudden I realized I was in Colorado and saw mountains for the first time! I stopped at a gas station trapped in the year 1982 to reload on water. 

I washed my windshield three times before this... 

So many photobombers.

The sunset was beautiful in my rear views!

I pressed on through the super intense sun and gorgeous sunset and drove a bit more through the dark before I hit Denver. O. Man. Another second guess whether this is the right choice or not. I hate city driving. White-knuckled, I listened to my navigation system, sailed over and around the Mile High stadium, cruised in and out of construction zones, and finally made it over the hills and through the woods to my incredible Hannah's house. The poor thing had to listen to my rambles for a while before we could both call it a day... 

More fun is planned for the next few days. :) Can't wait to see where this journey takes me!

Pictures to come.

today's THE DAY.

If I'm being honest with you, I have to say I feel like I'm tearing my heart out and throwing it across a lake...

Dramatic. I know... 

You see, I have this problem... this bug of sorts. 

I have to travel. 

I need to explore. 

I thrive off meeting new people and being in places that aren't familiar. 

As the title of this blog suggests, I'm a bit of a gypsy. I don't speak Romani. Unfortunately I don't have dark skin nor do I live among a commune or tell fortunes. I am, however, a free spirit and I love to see the world.

A few times along this journey we call life, I've had the opportunity to live in places with incredible people and opportunities every way you turn... I suppose every place is like that if we allow it to be, but while living in a couple of my places, the very deepest parts of my heart just felt so alive. I'm heading back to one of those places... because it's overall mentality and culture is what I need to achieve my dreams. 

For the past five years, (a record for me!) I've lived back in my hometown. It's been absolutely wonderful, but there's always this tug on my heart pulling me elsewhere. 

This past season (the past year or so) has been one of discovery and liberation as I have slowly been able to uncover interests and gifts that I can put to use as a career. (Extra liberating as I have always wanted to be a momma and just in the previous season of life came to grips with acknowledging that as a good and healthy desire and goal!) I am very excited about the things I'll be learning and the way I'll be able to pour into the lives of others.

However. Right now. In this very moment, I am very sad. I am also a little terrified. 

I've been feeling this way for a couple weeks now - it's taken a while to wrap my mind around this being my new and current reality and no longer a dream.

I'm sad to leave the ones I love so dearly.

As much as I love being somewhere unfamiliar and new, I'm sad to be somewhere other than my hometown where I know people and can freely hug and wander. :) (Two of my favorite things!)

I've been trying to pinpoint my fear and I've been able to acknowledge that it's not the journey out west that I'm afraid of. It's not the fact that I don't have a job and am not entirely sure when I will have one again. I'm very much excited for the unknown and the fact that I don't have a concrete plan, so it's not that either... it's that I won't have constant, tangible access to my family. Ugh, I tell you, that's just the worst right now. If you haven't had the opportunity to meet them... first of all, you're missing out. And, secondly, they might sometimes have a bit of a front that's difficult to read ;) but they're absolutely the most wonderful people alive. But, then again, I'm SUPER biased. :)

Okay, so what I've been trying to remind myself over and over lately is that I can't dwell on what I'm leaving because there are such incredible things waiting for me ahead. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that this is the right timing and the right action for me to take, but goodness, it is hard! 

In a few hours I'll take the first few steps in my new adventure...

Tears make it hard to put words together, did you know that?