sometimes it takes a little silence to drown out all the noise...

 With all the chaos the last year has brought on, I find myself overwhelmed and withdrawing from the constant craziness. The polarization of our nation and even the people in my life is draining after a year of isolation and heavy current events. My friend Lyndsay and I planned at the beginning of the year to take advantage of the later sunrises to get out and take in some of the beauty of the Pacific Northwest. Logistics allowed this weekend to work best for the both of us, and I couldn't be more grateful. Not only was the week so heavy with everything on Capitol Hill, but it was the most stunning sunrise I think I've ever seen. Our initial plan fell through in a few ways, but the day turned out to be so perfect and so refreshing. We decided that God just wanted to give us a little treat after all the ugliness of winter and egos and all the things. 

We made our way up to Timberline Lodge (after finding out the hard way that they don't plow the 2 mile road from the highway to the parking lot at Trillium!) and gathered with the gaggle of others parking (maybe more appropriately) for ski and snowboarding. Not a soul in that parking lot wasn't captivated by this beauty - it was not only all-encompassing, it was such a source of unity - man has it been a long time since I've strangers share something so special! 

We cherished the moment, made ourselves some coffee, took a few (give or take) photos, read the special liturgy for going on a holiday from Every Moment Holy, and attempted to go get breakfast at the lodge. Since this wasn't our first (or even our second) plan, we hadn't checked to see if they were open and functioning at regular or any certain capacity (with COVID and such). Thankfully, before we got too far from the parking lot, a man informed us that they're only open to lodging guests at this time. Lyndsay and I concluded that the view was such an absolute treat, that basically the whole rest of the day could fall apart and it'd still overall be a win.

Our first thought was to drive up to Mirror Lake and watch the sunset from there. We didn't quite take into consideration the time for the two mile hike from the trailhead though, which is why we aimed for Trillium (thankfully, Trillium is super close to Timberline and we were able to catch so many amazing views!) So, when we found out the lodge wasn't open to outsiders like us, we chose to have a snack and work up an appetite for when other restaurants would be open for lunch. We went to Mirror Lake and hiked two miles through the forest to the loop around the lake and then two miles back. The photos don't even come close to doing justice of these views - Mount Hood was HUGE, mammoth, colossal! We couldn't believe how stunning the day turned out to be.  

The babies I watch LOVE pinecones, but they always call them "KINEcones"! Haha, I couldn't resist.

By the time we were done with the trail, we'd fallen three times collectively (not bad for four miles of mostly ice!) and had worked up two serious appetites. After a couple of strikes, we landed on Glacier Public House. Lyndsay's burger had CARAMELIZED CHEESE, like, a rectangle of crispy, baked, bubbly goodness. We sat outside in the beating down January sun and savored an afternoon of warmth, conversation, good food, and endless beauty. 

What a special treat in a historically dark month?! 

21 for 2021

I have read 1 + 3/4 of Gretchen Rubin's books and probably a dozen of her blog posts, I'm not quite a 'fan girl', but I do really appreciate her perspective and delivery of concepts. Anyone who can get me acting and not just thinking is a winner in my book.

For the last two years, I've picked a 'Word of the Year' rather than shoot for a New Year's Resolution, it's been so much more fruitful, holy cow. 

In 2018 I experienced more grief and change than I think I ever have at one time before, my life felt so overwhelmingly chaotic, so I chose simplify as my word of the year - it's currently my favorite of the two words I've chosen... :)

Just as 2019 came to a close, I ended a long, painful, unhealthy relationship - I hadn't been caring well for myself, which made it hard to properly care for others, so my choice of word for 2020 was simply: this. As in, this (me, my heart, my person) was what I needed to focus on and care for in each decision and moment. We all know 2020 was a loaded cannon, and while my word was helpful and nourishing... I think I still have a sour taste in my mouth from 2020... that word may have been more fruitful in another setting, but we're marching on, it's 2021, babay!

BOUNDARIES. This is my word for 2021. Last year I wanted the word, "rhythm", but a wise and respected friend suggested I consider something more fun... Having put it off last year, "rhythm" was at the top of my list again for 2021, but there have been things that I've been working on where boundaries will be more helpful and concrete. Having a word of the year gives me direction when I'm choosing books to read and focusing on how to honor and nourish my soul. I'm hoping practicing boundaries and having some practical goals to accomplish will make for a really fruitful 2021, regardless of what's happening in the world.

Okay, so back to Gretchen Rubin. In her Happiness Project, she challenges readers to create their own "Secrets of Adulthood" and personal "Commandments", challenging me to think of what matters most to me and what breathes life and joy into my life was such a gamechanger - I hadn't realized how much was (and, often, still is!) lacking in my life! But the thing I realized is that it's hard to change what's not working if you're unaware of the issue... if you don't know what you're lacking, how can you make room for more of it? SO, with my own personal commandments and secrets of adulthood in mind, here is my list of 21 for 2021 - lists give me the momentum of accomplishment and there will be a heavy dose of joy to check into for 2021. I am trying to be fairly specific in hopes that the lack of ambiguity will help me to jump in and mark things off more readily.

    1. Read through the Bible.
    2. Drink 64+ ounces of water each day.
    3. Have a solo retreat in Hood River.
    4. Save $15k+ for down-payment.
    5. Try a new recipe each month! (January's is: jajangmyeon! I will have to master it because I have a kilo of the concentrated staple ingredient... HA!
    6. Write more! Blog at least once a month and work through online memoir class.
    7. Use "America the Beautiful" pass 3+ times.
    8. Visit Crater Lake.
    9. Limit book shopping to 2 each month. (Book club and a possible bonus - this feels more attainable to me than cold turkey!) 
    10. Take (at least) four spontaneous beach trips!

    11.Look presentable at least once a week. :)
    12. Send handwritten snail mail at least once a month.
    13. Create 12 new paintings.

    14. Sing more.

    15. Plan weekly focus&intention with the littles.
    16. Go outside everyday, even when it's rainy.

    17. Put the camping gear to use!
    18. Put my snow pants to use!
    19. Cherish the Sabbath - rest, reflect, read.

   20. Practice saying "no".

    21. Use what I have!

Alright, let's do this!

'The Happiness Project'

Commandments:

1.) Be Lauren; own your truth.

2.) Name the struggle: journal, process, dig deeper.

3.) Little things often.

4.) Less is more.

5.) A dance party is always a good idea.

6.) Smiles and laughter are contagious.

7.) Boundaries create freedom.

8.) Sleep, fresh air, and movement are your most important supplements.

9.) You only get one heart, mind, and body - love them well!

10.) Love is a verb.

Secrets of Adulthood:

• The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
• You don't have to agree with everyone.
• It's okay to feel uncomfortable.
• Half-assing often leads to something good, if not great.
• You can sleep when you die, but you'll live more if you capitalize on it now.
• If you can't give an enthusiastic "hell, yes!", then "no" is actually a kind alternative.
• Sharing what you're learning boosts your happiness and connects you with others.
• It's okay to ask for help.
• You make more friends by being interested in others than by trying to get them interested in you.
• Remembering and using names has a lasting impact.
• If you're not failing, you're probably not trying/learning/growing.
• Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
• What's fun for other people may not be fun for you - and vice versa.
• The best way out is always through.
• How we think not only affects our own spirit, soul, and body but also people around us.
• We have to feel in order to deal so we can heal.
• You can do anything, but not everything... that's okay!
• If you see something beautiful in someone, speak it.
• Creativity can pull you out of the worst moods!

New Year, New Lessons

Love is not denying ourselves and doing for others, but rather it is honestly expressing whatever our feelings and needs are and empathetically receiving the other person's feelings and needs. To receive empathetically does not mean that you must comply-just accurately receive what is expressed as a gift of life from the other person. Love is honestly expressing our own needs; that doesn't mean making demands, but just, "Here I am. Here's what I like." - Being Me, Loving You by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Phd

I've been loving others so wrong for so long.

Where do we get these ideas that denying ourselves is the best way to care for someone else, let alone ourselves? How do we come to a place of giving and receiving that both the giving and the receiving feels like a gift? 

I am just now realizing that I've been living in the 'deny ourselves and do for others' version of 'love' for so long that 

a) I'm exhausted 

b) I've got some serious resentment to unravel 

c) I no longer know what my feelings or needs even are, if I ever once did... 

Love is not denying ourselves and doing for others, but rather it is honestly expressing whatever our feelings and needs are and empathetically receiving the other person's feelings and needs.

Oof.

I think I am much better at recognizing others' needs and feelings as criticism and insufficiencies in myself. I lose focus of the one I'm in relationship with and trying so hard to love well and look back at myself, but in a critical way instead of in a helpful way. I want to retrain myself to recognize my dear ones' needs as a gift of life. To pause my own inner-dialogue for that moment and really hear what's missing... and then see if I can support them to meet those needs and/or desires or if it's a situation that I can only hear and understand them.

To receive empathetically does not mean that you must comply-just accurately receive what is expressed as a gift of life from the other person.

Love is honestly expressing our own needs; that doesn't mean making demands, but just, "Here I am. Here's what I like."

I've been trying to take a few minutes every night before I lay down to sleep each night to journal some of my day and how I felt as a result of the compilation of those events. It's amazing to realize as someone who feels very deeply, that I have no idea how to identify those feelings or how difficult it is to put words to them. 

List of likes

I'm sharing this mostly as a way for myself to process.

I'm trying to use my voice more and identify what's going on in the inner workings of my heart. 

I'm trying to care for myself and allow the space and time to work through some things that, to be completely honest, I haven't even identified yet, but have somehow brought me to a halt.

I know that some of the things I've been doing (or not doing) lately have been hurtful or offensive to others, that's certainly not my intent. 

I am solely trying to, like Humpty, put my pieces back together again - trust me, it's messy.

Please understand that my hibernation is my best attempt to heal my broken pieces so I can really know and love those God's placed in my life. I know it seems counterintuitive to withdraw in a time like this, but I promise you good things are happening(!)... it's just a slow process.

Celebrating and Grieving

In the last few days, I've come to realize that I can celebrate and grieve all at the same time. In the same breath, even. 

I went home over the summer to say goodbye to my beloved Aunt Harriet. She'd been fighting cancer pretty much since I moved out here and had recently been put in Hospice. It was wonderful and awful all at the same time. The best part though, was that I didn't tell anyone I was going to be home and got to spend every waking moment with my sweet family. I love them so freaking much, often it hurts.

The struggle of taking an ussie with three savages.

Slumber parties are a non-negotiable when LaLa comes home. xo

I can't get enough of this photo. I want to hang it everywhere so I can see their darling smiles and personalities everywhere I look.

On my way back to the best coast from my visit, I just so happened to be in the very best place at the very best time. At the time, I didn't immediately recognize it as such, but as the day played out and once I got home and confirmed my luck, it was a nice treat to reaffirm my decision to go home when I did. The flight I was on was overbooked and they were desperate for people to volunteer to take a different flight. It was messy and a little stressful, but in the end, I managed to get home only an our later than planned and had $800 Delta dollars to put towards another adventure. I very much could have put that towards some epic international extravaganza, but I am always craving more time with my beloveds and decided that was the best way to spend the new found treasure. Dad's birthday was a few months out, so I got a ticket for him and Leify to come visit. 

Little did we know, their flight would be just days after Harriet's passing. 

They ended up having to buy one-way tickets out a day later so they could partake in the ceremony, but they made it.

Let me tell you. 

That was the best timing anyone could have planned.

I was hurting big time.

I probably took them too many places so we didn't have to deal with the inner turmoil from losing someone we cherished so dearly, but we did get to do some serious sharing and celebrating. Dad shared a story that was shared at the funeral of how my cousin's oldest had been so tickled to get to be Harriet's pen-pal for the months leading up to her death. (He got the jackpot, she was always amazing with story and word!)

Leif shared some of the stories of how he used to make her laugh. He has always been such an enthusiast when it comes to life. He appears to be mellow as an adult, but he's still the goofy passionate one who will do nearly anything to make you laugh/lighten the mood.

Dad and Harriet shared the same birthday, so we had a party in their honor... I guess that'll be the new tradition. :)

My two favorite Hanson men on my most very favorite coast!

All this to say, Dad and Leif showed up at just the right time. 

We were able to laugh and we were able to shed some tears.

We celebrated and will continue to grieve.

The beauty of this land didn't hurt the process.

Just south of Cannon Beach looking south down the coast.

My favorite coffee stop since 2006. I need to go back to get the barista's full story, she's from the midwest too!

Happy Daddy.

Leif's over pictures. He should realize how many I held back on. Shoot.

So freakin' excited to share such a special place with my favorites!

I am so undeniably blessed. I live in one of the most gorgeous areas of the world. I need to soak it up more often.

Bonus!! I drug Leif and Dad to entirely too many places too far away from each other (alllll over Portland and then down to Tillamook and up the coast to Astoria!) On their last day, I took them to the Tiny Home Show... I took my man-friend too! Check out this awesome picture! I keep it on my desk at work for when I need a pick-me-up. :)

Big man in a tiny tub!!

A few years ago, I was living back in my hometown and our church did a series called 'Iowa Nice'. I'll be honest, I probably missed a couple sermons and I couldn't, for the life of me, tell you what all the nitty gritty details of that series were today, but the theme was that it's one thing to be 'nice', it is something else entirely to be genuine and transparent. That something else entirely is a little tricky to find, but pretty spectacular when you do. It's hard to miss and really beautiful when you're able to live it out.

I struggle with this 'Iowa Nice' thing. I think this season of struggle and heartache and exhaustion has taught me that in an unhealthy way, in my mind it's easier for me to say 'yes' and allow others to so influence my behavior just to avoid some conflict or friction. I'm (re)learning that sometimes it's way more than necessary for me to un-plug, un-commit, and maybe even un-learn some things in order to un-interrupt the beauty of just being where you're at: strugglebus 'n all.

Nearly a year ago, I took my special 'treat-yo-self' fund and bought a ticket to a conference called Birth Without Fear. Anyone who knows even a sliver of my heart knows all I want is to be a mama bear and smother all my baby bear cubs with all the love that makes me the crazy individual that I am. They also know that I am a quirky, hopeless romantic who wants almost desperately (I just don't like that word, makes me sound weak, which... I'm not really in a place to admit/agree to) to find her other-half / sweetheart / beloved / life-partner / mate / companion / lover ... you get the idea. (Sorry if I lost ya on that run...) These are the desires of my heart, but it turns out that you have to, like, eat and sleep in order to do any of the other wonderful, adventurous things this life can entail. I have spent the last five years trying to explore and discover how I can take my desire to be a mama bear and lover/helper and put it into practice to financially support my life. I was able to train as a doula four years ago and was so crazy on fire - I'd share with anyone and everyone who would listen to me. It was awesome. I'm not huge into astrology signs, but my inner Aries was in full-flame. I learned a lot of extremely helpful pieces of information at that training and through all the people and resources I was able to access because of that training, but I haven't been able to dive into the birthing world too much in these last nearly five years because of the aforementioned strugglebus of life and bills and surviving and such. 
You know, details.

That conference was today. I have been in such a heavy, dark place these last few months that just getting myself to work and coming home to sleep every night has taken more than my energy reserves have been able to re-collect and squirt back out everyday. Today was exhausting, to say the least, but just as Mama J (January Harshe, the magical unicorn of a human and founder of Birth Without Fear, herself,) warned, very healing. We covered SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. She is the epitome of that something-else-entirely I spoke of earlier. She is grace and truth and grit and love and exactly the cheerleader I was needing for this season. There was something really difficult for me to be in a room full of women (and a few super supportive men!) sharing their birth stories when I didn't have one and don't honestly know if/when I will (I know I'm not OLD, old, but the clock is ticking and when you're not actively trying, you don't know if everything works like it's supposed to, ya know?) Everything she said in regards to pregnancy and birth and postpartum so related to my messy life of singleness. I'm not trying to be all 'woe-is-me', I'm really just trying to be honest and it's hard. Life is hard! I was hoping and expecting to walk away from today with a better direction career-wise of what my next steps should look like and a re-ignited passion for supporting families in bringing their honeys into the world with a voice to have the birth experience they choose. I can't say that didn't happen at all, but it was more of a loud and clear affirmation that this season of saying 'no' and agreeing to less is more than okay. It's necessary for me and if others aren't a fan of it, they can deal and find a different way to work through their next season of struggle, one that works better for them.

*I share these things because if I need to hear them, someone else out there probably needs to hear it too.*

Our world is constantly changing. Yes, history repeats itself, but each generation has its own strange new quirks to navigate and we don't always know how to encourage each other on this journey. I went to this conference with an expectation of direction and clarity. I walked away with confirmation that even when life is difficult and feels too tough to handle, there are people who are going through something entirely different, but equally as hard and as crazy as it is to wrap my mind around, we're both going to make it through the storm stronger than when we entered it. I am eager to be wiser and be able to encourage others in seasons with similar struggles, but for now, I just appreciate those who have learned how to use their voice to encourage, empower, and build others up. Just trying to flex those muscles more and more so I can do the same. 

Thanks Mama J, so appreciate your love and passion to share your wisdom and build community. 

xo

*Coronavirus Distraction* BULA! Fiji!!

I have been in such a funk the last few days. This Coronavirus situation we're all in has my heart and mind on such an exhausting roller coaster. My inner introvert (feels a million times bigger than usual, for one,) appreciates a slower pace and not feeling obligated to agree to social commitments, but misses the ability to plan or anticipate anything. I don't even really know how to put a finger on it, but I was catching up with a friend a few days ago and she put it well that the situation in and of itself feels so overwhelming right now that anything more than daily functions and keeping up with her core community feels inordinate. I so agree. I tried to have a healthy approach to this overwhelm by pitching a tent in the backyard and unplugging from my phone for the better part of the weekend, I certainly don't think it did any harm, but I still feel overwhelmed.

I was trying to do something productive and community oriented, so I placed an order for pick-up from my very most favorite food truck this week! (Viking Soul Food, if you're in the Portland area and want to support local!) I then entered the rabbit hole of allllllllllll my many open tabs... *queue nostalgic music* I had a tab open probably in an attempt to blog more, but instead, it just became another layer of clutter that so closely represents the pages that are constantly left open in my brain! Either way, I got sucked in to the dreamy photos I made sure to upload before I got any linguistic thoughts documented. Ohhh, it was such a well-timed oasis, (not that I can say there'd be a bad time to visit Fiji!)

Two years ago (exactly!) I was 'suffering' from jet-lag and started this post. I had just been on the trip of a lifetime to ring in my daunting thirties (don't try to talk me out of it, I'm still working on embracing them.) My nights were wide-eyed and my days oh, so very groggy. The majority of said trip was spent reconnecting from friends from another season of life, road tripping along the Great Ocean Road from Melbourne to Adelaide. After nearly two weeks of close quarters and go-go-go, I had planned a slowdown on my way back in Fiji. 

After bidding farewell, to my friends in Melbourne, I headed to Auckland for an overnight layover. In an attempt to be a maximizer, I booked a fancy hotel down on the wharf thinking it'd be worth the maybe 16 hour layover to enjoy myself and explore, but it was dark and stormy and most of those 16 hours consisted of getting through customs, to and from the airport, and sleeping. HOWEVER, while in the airport, I found the third book of one of my favorite series, Still Me by Jojo Moyes, (following Me Before You and After You). Lou Clark will forever be a dear soul and a bit of a "spirit-animal" to me. While waiting for my flight from Auckland to Nadi, I jumped right in, so good to be in good company. :)

This is never the perspective we see the Pacific from... we're really not THAT far from Fiji and all the magic down undah! (It is a BIG scary ocean though...)

I landed in Nadi with no wifi and no real directions that I could see from the customs line. I was late for the car I'd hired for pickup and was afraid I'd be late for my appointment at 'the spa'... clearly, it had been a while since I'd been on island time. I got through customs with no problems and made my way down the stairs to a beautiful woman with a big, wide, white smile and a sign with my name on it. She must have seen my relief because she approached me with open arms as soon as I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. My driver's name was Chris and he had grown up on the island. He made me feel so welcome and comfortable and so much better about being late! He informed me that while I had been sleeping in Auckland, Fiji had experienced a category 3 cyclone. Hotels were on lockdown and much damage was done... as soon as we stepped out of the airport, I just kept saying, "It's like Moana, but in real life!!" Even after the destruction of Cyclone Keni, it was such a beautiful place! I honestly probably would have just thought it was extra rugged had Chris (and everyone I met following him) not shared their experience!

He drove me through the muddy, pothole filled roads to "the spa"! Now, I love a good day of self-care and pampering, but the ambiance of this place was excellent, bar none. I mean, where else can you cover yourself in mud and then watch a chicken strut under your massage table?!

I looooooove mud between my toes. :)

So gooey. So satisfying.

I walked through the pools to a man who instructed me to take the a bucket full of mud and cover myself from head-to-toe. Guys, this is was so unbelievably satisfying. I don't know if I played with mud much as a small child, but as an adult, I crave it. For some reason, it feels rebellious, liberating, and oh, so grounding! After covering myself with the mud, I was lead to a patch of grass where I was to sit and sun so the mud could dry and my skin could reap the benefits. :) I met a few young women who had been on the island for almost a week who shared their experience of Cyclone Keni with me. Everyone I came in contact with told me how lucky I was to have arrived after the storm had hit. They said they were on lockdown for nearly 48 hours and the hotel delivered one bag of groceries. I imagine that's about how it'd be had I just spent the last week in Hawaii like I was supposed to! Ugh, I can only imagine the frustration of literally being stuck in paradise with no opportunity to experience the beauty of it. Once our mud had dried and our 'skin' was crackly, we entered the warm pool. It was a hot source they constantly were pouring cooler water into, just an introduction to the water. We got some of the mud off and headed to the next pool, the HOT pool. The hot pool took me a minute to come to terms with, (and I really like hot baths!) but it was nearly scalding. We probably only spent five minutes in this pool, but our blood was pumping and then we were off to the COLD pool! After nearly boiling in the hot springs, the cold pool felt nice, but still so stinking cold! I felt relaxed and alert after the pools. Everything I had read and everyone I'd met who had done this outing already, said the massage was well worth the money. I'm always up for a massage and the price was unlike anything I'll find in the states. (The equivalent of an extra $10 added to my 'spa'.) I signed up. I walked over to the open-air massage table, was instructed to remove the top of my bathing suit (hello little chickens strutting all around, here are my ta-ta's!) and get comfortable on the table. The massage was, in fact, very relaxing. It was probably also pretty exfoliating with bits of sand leftover from the mud, but my favorite part was the fact that every time I started to doze off or settle into a deep relaxing state, a chicken would walk under my face and cluck as if to remind me that some of them were still on the clock.

Seriously, you guys!! THIS was the view from my room!

Traveling alone, I splurged a bit and stayed at the Hilton near the airport - I needed something close in proximity (after spending nearly two weeks roadtripping, I was happy to be in Fiji, but wanted to experience it by foot!) It was such a great choice. Chris gave me some good advice on our way from the mud bath to the hotel and even stopped for dinner and groceries! I managed to talk him into having some of the fish and chips he suggested with me and he advised I stock up on bottled water and any groceries I might want, that the food at the hotel was quite expensive. (What a guy?!)

I typically book my hotel rooms based on their bath tubs... This one appeared to have a very nice setup, but I had not really taken Cyclone Keni into account. I first noticed it when I used the toilet. The water was brown. I didn't think too much of it, this is a developing nation and maybe their plumbing was in the works... washed my hands - brown water... brushed my teeth - I used bottled water because the tap was still brown! I drew a bit of a bath and noticed it was still brown. I let that water out and jumped on the interwebs to see if this hotel had had any issues or complaints about brown water. There was nothing to note. I re-drew the bath water, dropped a lavender bath bomb in from one of our stops in SA, and reminded myself I just left the mud baths which I had paid to visit. ;) 

Miss Jane Francis was waiting for the bus and decided to join me on a walk to the marina after I passed her thrice (clearly unaware of what direction I was aiming for), not only were we able to find the marina we were both looking for, but I think we made pretty good company for each other, sharing little pieces of our stories and laughing together. These are the moments.  Special memories.

Had the whole pool area to myself. (The pool may have been closed, but whatevs.)

Even the reflection off the shower was colorful and sunny!

I had such a hard time figuring what kind of meds to buy to help me sleep with my cold. I felt SO incompetent!

Beauty after the storm. 

BABY SHARK!!!!!

Sunshine ALMOST made it too warm for Sauv Blanc... almost.

So many selfies when in paradise all by your selfie.

 

All-in-all, a trip I'll never forget and certainly don't regret. Should Fiji ever be a possibility again, I'll jump at the opportunity to explore the beauty of the island and get to know the souls behind those smiling faces again.