A few years ago, I was living back in my hometown and our church did a series called 'Iowa Nice'. I'll be honest, I probably missed a couple sermons and I couldn't, for the life of me, tell you what all the nitty gritty details of that series were today, but the theme was that it's one thing to be 'nice', it is something else entirely to be genuine and transparent. That something else entirely is a little tricky to find, but pretty spectacular when you do. It's hard to miss and really beautiful when you're able to live it out.

I struggle with this 'Iowa Nice' thing. I think this season of struggle and heartache and exhaustion has taught me that in an unhealthy way, in my mind it's easier for me to say 'yes' and allow others to so influence my behavior just to avoid some conflict or friction. I'm (re)learning that sometimes it's way more than necessary for me to un-plug, un-commit, and maybe even un-learn some things in order to un-interrupt the beauty of just being where you're at: strugglebus 'n all.

Nearly a year ago, I took my special 'treat-yo-self' fund and bought a ticket to a conference called Birth Without Fear. Anyone who knows even a sliver of my heart knows all I want is to be a mama bear and smother all my baby bear cubs with all the love that makes me the crazy individual that I am. They also know that I am a quirky, hopeless romantic who wants almost desperately (I just don't like that word, makes me sound weak, which... I'm not really in a place to admit/agree to) to find her other-half / sweetheart / beloved / life-partner / mate / companion / lover ... you get the idea. (Sorry if I lost ya on that run...) These are the desires of my heart, but it turns out that you have to, like, eat and sleep in order to do any of the other wonderful, adventurous things this life can entail. I have spent the last five years trying to explore and discover how I can take my desire to be a mama bear and lover/helper and put it into practice to financially support my life. I was able to train as a doula four years ago and was so crazy on fire - I'd share with anyone and everyone who would listen to me. It was awesome. I'm not huge into astrology signs, but my inner Aries was in full-flame. I learned a lot of extremely helpful pieces of information at that training and through all the people and resources I was able to access because of that training, but I haven't been able to dive into the birthing world too much in these last nearly five years because of the aforementioned strugglebus of life and bills and surviving and such. 
You know, details.

That conference was today. I have been in such a heavy, dark place these last few months that just getting myself to work and coming home to sleep every night has taken more than my energy reserves have been able to re-collect and squirt back out everyday. Today was exhausting, to say the least, but just as Mama J (January Harshe, the magical unicorn of a human and founder of Birth Without Fear, herself,) warned, very healing. We covered SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. She is the epitome of that something-else-entirely I spoke of earlier. She is grace and truth and grit and love and exactly the cheerleader I was needing for this season. There was something really difficult for me to be in a room full of women (and a few super supportive men!) sharing their birth stories when I didn't have one and don't honestly know if/when I will (I know I'm not OLD, old, but the clock is ticking and when you're not actively trying, you don't know if everything works like it's supposed to, ya know?) Everything she said in regards to pregnancy and birth and postpartum so related to my messy life of singleness. I'm not trying to be all 'woe-is-me', I'm really just trying to be honest and it's hard. Life is hard! I was hoping and expecting to walk away from today with a better direction career-wise of what my next steps should look like and a re-ignited passion for supporting families in bringing their honeys into the world with a voice to have the birth experience they choose. I can't say that didn't happen at all, but it was more of a loud and clear affirmation that this season of saying 'no' and agreeing to less is more than okay. It's necessary for me and if others aren't a fan of it, they can deal and find a different way to work through their next season of struggle, one that works better for them.

*I share these things because if I need to hear them, someone else out there probably needs to hear it too.*

Our world is constantly changing. Yes, history repeats itself, but each generation has its own strange new quirks to navigate and we don't always know how to encourage each other on this journey. I went to this conference with an expectation of direction and clarity. I walked away with confirmation that even when life is difficult and feels too tough to handle, there are people who are going through something entirely different, but equally as hard and as crazy as it is to wrap my mind around, we're both going to make it through the storm stronger than when we entered it. I am eager to be wiser and be able to encourage others in seasons with similar struggles, but for now, I just appreciate those who have learned how to use their voice to encourage, empower, and build others up. Just trying to flex those muscles more and more so I can do the same. 

Thanks Mama J, so appreciate your love and passion to share your wisdom and build community. 

xo

*Coronavirus Distraction* BULA! Fiji!!

I have been in such a funk the last few days. This Coronavirus situation we're all in has my heart and mind on such an exhausting roller coaster. My inner introvert (feels a million times bigger than usual, for one,) appreciates a slower pace and not feeling obligated to agree to social commitments, but misses the ability to plan or anticipate anything. I don't even really know how to put a finger on it, but I was catching up with a friend a few days ago and she put it well that the situation in and of itself feels so overwhelming right now that anything more than daily functions and keeping up with her core community feels inordinate. I so agree. I tried to have a healthy approach to this overwhelm by pitching a tent in the backyard and unplugging from my phone for the better part of the weekend, I certainly don't think it did any harm, but I still feel overwhelmed.

I was trying to do something productive and community oriented, so I placed an order for pick-up from my very most favorite food truck this week! (Viking Soul Food, if you're in the Portland area and want to support local!) I then entered the rabbit hole of allllllllllll my many open tabs... *queue nostalgic music* I had a tab open probably in an attempt to blog more, but instead, it just became another layer of clutter that so closely represents the pages that are constantly left open in my brain! Either way, I got sucked in to the dreamy photos I made sure to upload before I got any linguistic thoughts documented. Ohhh, it was such a well-timed oasis, (not that I can say there'd be a bad time to visit Fiji!)

Two years ago (exactly!) I was 'suffering' from jet-lag and started this post. I had just been on the trip of a lifetime to ring in my daunting thirties (don't try to talk me out of it, I'm still working on embracing them.) My nights were wide-eyed and my days oh, so very groggy. The majority of said trip was spent reconnecting from friends from another season of life, road tripping along the Great Ocean Road from Melbourne to Adelaide. After nearly two weeks of close quarters and go-go-go, I had planned a slowdown on my way back in Fiji. 

After bidding farewell, to my friends in Melbourne, I headed to Auckland for an overnight layover. In an attempt to be a maximizer, I booked a fancy hotel down on the wharf thinking it'd be worth the maybe 16 hour layover to enjoy myself and explore, but it was dark and stormy and most of those 16 hours consisted of getting through customs, to and from the airport, and sleeping. HOWEVER, while in the airport, I found the third book of one of my favorite series, Still Me by Jojo Moyes, (following Me Before You and After You). Lou Clark will forever be a dear soul and a bit of a "spirit-animal" to me. While waiting for my flight from Auckland to Nadi, I jumped right in, so good to be in good company. :)

This is never the perspective we see the Pacific from... we're really not THAT far from Fiji and all the magic down undah! (It is a BIG scary ocean though...)

I landed in Nadi with no wifi and no real directions that I could see from the customs line. I was late for the car I'd hired for pickup and was afraid I'd be late for my appointment at 'the spa'... clearly, it had been a while since I'd been on island time. I got through customs with no problems and made my way down the stairs to a beautiful woman with a big, wide, white smile and a sign with my name on it. She must have seen my relief because she approached me with open arms as soon as I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. My driver's name was Chris and he had grown up on the island. He made me feel so welcome and comfortable and so much better about being late! He informed me that while I had been sleeping in Auckland, Fiji had experienced a category 3 cyclone. Hotels were on lockdown and much damage was done... as soon as we stepped out of the airport, I just kept saying, "It's like Moana, but in real life!!" Even after the destruction of Cyclone Keni, it was such a beautiful place! I honestly probably would have just thought it was extra rugged had Chris (and everyone I met following him) not shared their experience!

He drove me through the muddy, pothole filled roads to "the spa"! Now, I love a good day of self-care and pampering, but the ambiance of this place was excellent, bar none. I mean, where else can you cover yourself in mud and then watch a chicken strut under your massage table?!

I looooooove mud between my toes. :)

So gooey. So satisfying.

I walked through the pools to a man who instructed me to take the a bucket full of mud and cover myself from head-to-toe. Guys, this is was so unbelievably satisfying. I don't know if I played with mud much as a small child, but as an adult, I crave it. For some reason, it feels rebellious, liberating, and oh, so grounding! After covering myself with the mud, I was lead to a patch of grass where I was to sit and sun so the mud could dry and my skin could reap the benefits. :) I met a few young women who had been on the island for almost a week who shared their experience of Cyclone Keni with me. Everyone I came in contact with told me how lucky I was to have arrived after the storm had hit. They said they were on lockdown for nearly 48 hours and the hotel delivered one bag of groceries. I imagine that's about how it'd be had I just spent the last week in Hawaii like I was supposed to! Ugh, I can only imagine the frustration of literally being stuck in paradise with no opportunity to experience the beauty of it. Once our mud had dried and our 'skin' was crackly, we entered the warm pool. It was a hot source they constantly were pouring cooler water into, just an introduction to the water. We got some of the mud off and headed to the next pool, the HOT pool. The hot pool took me a minute to come to terms with, (and I really like hot baths!) but it was nearly scalding. We probably only spent five minutes in this pool, but our blood was pumping and then we were off to the COLD pool! After nearly boiling in the hot springs, the cold pool felt nice, but still so stinking cold! I felt relaxed and alert after the pools. Everything I had read and everyone I'd met who had done this outing already, said the massage was well worth the money. I'm always up for a massage and the price was unlike anything I'll find in the states. (The equivalent of an extra $10 added to my 'spa'.) I signed up. I walked over to the open-air massage table, was instructed to remove the top of my bathing suit (hello little chickens strutting all around, here are my ta-ta's!) and get comfortable on the table. The massage was, in fact, very relaxing. It was probably also pretty exfoliating with bits of sand leftover from the mud, but my favorite part was the fact that every time I started to doze off or settle into a deep relaxing state, a chicken would walk under my face and cluck as if to remind me that some of them were still on the clock.

Seriously, you guys!! THIS was the view from my room!

Traveling alone, I splurged a bit and stayed at the Hilton near the airport - I needed something close in proximity (after spending nearly two weeks roadtripping, I was happy to be in Fiji, but wanted to experience it by foot!) It was such a great choice. Chris gave me some good advice on our way from the mud bath to the hotel and even stopped for dinner and groceries! I managed to talk him into having some of the fish and chips he suggested with me and he advised I stock up on bottled water and any groceries I might want, that the food at the hotel was quite expensive. (What a guy?!)

I typically book my hotel rooms based on their bath tubs... This one appeared to have a very nice setup, but I had not really taken Cyclone Keni into account. I first noticed it when I used the toilet. The water was brown. I didn't think too much of it, this is a developing nation and maybe their plumbing was in the works... washed my hands - brown water... brushed my teeth - I used bottled water because the tap was still brown! I drew a bit of a bath and noticed it was still brown. I let that water out and jumped on the interwebs to see if this hotel had had any issues or complaints about brown water. There was nothing to note. I re-drew the bath water, dropped a lavender bath bomb in from one of our stops in SA, and reminded myself I just left the mud baths which I had paid to visit. ;) 

Miss Jane Francis was waiting for the bus and decided to join me on a walk to the marina after I passed her thrice (clearly unaware of what direction I was aiming for), not only were we able to find the marina we were both looking for, but I think we made pretty good company for each other, sharing little pieces of our stories and laughing together. These are the moments.  Special memories.

Had the whole pool area to myself. (The pool may have been closed, but whatevs.)

Even the reflection off the shower was colorful and sunny!

I had such a hard time figuring what kind of meds to buy to help me sleep with my cold. I felt SO incompetent!

Beauty after the storm. 

BABY SHARK!!!!!

Sunshine ALMOST made it too warm for Sauv Blanc... almost.

So many selfies when in paradise all by your selfie.

 

All-in-all, a trip I'll never forget and certainly don't regret. Should Fiji ever be a possibility again, I'll jump at the opportunity to explore the beauty of the island and get to know the souls behind those smiling faces again. 

BACK IN THE GAME!

A year and half later and I'm BACK IN THE GAME. :)

Totally just realized I would have absolutely no trouble creating a lengthy blog post allllll about
10 Things I Hate About You,
but anyone who's actually had the privilege of  watching that masterpiece with me
 would be able to tell you first hand,
a) it's not all that fun and
b) it's actually less entertaining with my commentary (crazy, I KNOW.)
Don't you worry though, it hasn't stopped me from reciting all the lines yet!

So, life is tricky, right? Exhausting even at times? Yeah, occasionally. And to be completely honest, after sitting at a desk all day staring at a screen, that typically the last thing I want to do in my free time while I'm at home. HOWEVER, the past month or so, I've been a total hermit and have been reading some utterly delicious books and it's been making me want to get my words out of my head and anywhere where they are cohesive SO STINKING BAD!! There are so many different aspects of the vulnerability that you must come to terms with when sharing any sort of creation with others let along the WORLD WIDE WEB. These vulnerabilities can occasionally be crippling, at times to the point of keeping my thoughts at bay for a whopping 18 months.

This year is going to be different though. I've got adventures people. BIG ONES. They're all just waiting to be devoured. Once I digest them, I'll share 'em with you. Deal? :) Excellent. 

Welp, that's all for now, just had to jump back on here and break the ice. Don't worry, I'll be back. :)

...we accept the love we think we deserve.

I currently have a pretty awful commute bridging my home and my work. I've learned to get pretty creative with that time in hopes of preventing physical aggression or worse... losing my mind. 

I recently discovered the world of podcasts and it's been SUCH a game-changer. I mean, it's not like I never see anything interesting on my commute...

...but it really does help to take my mind off the time I'm losing to listen to something that sets my mind on things that help me grow and heal and that inspire and encourage me.

Today I listened to a podcast honoring one of my favorite people, one whom I've never met, but greatly anticipate meeting one day: the great, Brennan Manning. I believe it was a youth group teaching and the title was, 'What has Brennan Manning taught us about life together?'

The beginning of the podcast was a little hard to follow, but they shared a clip from the movie, 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'. (Sounds like a great film and novel!) The line that stood out to me before they even got to the good stuff, the Brennan Manning sharing part, was this:

Student: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?

Teacher: Are we talking about anyone in specific...? 

*silence*

Teacher: ...we accept the love we think we deserve. 

Student: Can we make them see they deserve more?

Teacher: All we can do is try.

Hours later, I have to wonder how true that is of my life. How true is it for those that allow me to be a part of their lives?

//

The following is a video of the few minutes shared in this podcast. At the beginning of the podcast today, the speaker said if you've heard Brennan Manning speak once, you've heard all his teachings because he shares the same truth every time. While that's true, I can never get enough of his words. I re-listen everything of his and even often have to write them out to chew and digest them as best as I can. 

I hope you're challenged and encouraged by these few minutes and beautiful words spoken by Brennan Manning depicting the beauty of brokenness and trust in our Sweet Jesus...

In the 48 years since I was first ambushed by Jesus, in a little chapel in the Allegheny Mountains of western Pennsylvania, and in literally the thousands of hours of prayer and meditation, silence and solitude over those years, I am now utterly convinced that on Judgement Day, the Lord Jesus is gonna ask each of us one question and just one question: 

'Did you believe that I loved you? That I desired you? That I waited for you day after day? That I longed to hear the sound of your voice?'

The real believers there will answer, 'Yes, Jesus. I believed in your love and I tried to shape my life as a response to it.' 

But many of us who are so faithful in our ministry and our practice and our churchgoing, are going to have to reply, 'Well frankly, no, sir. I mean, I never really believed it. I mean, I heard a lot of wonderful sermons and teachings about it, in fact, I gave quite a few myself, but I always thought that was just a way of speaking, a kindly lie some Christian's pious pat on the back to cheer me on.' 

And there's the difference between the real believers and the nominal Christians that are bound in our Churches across the land. 

No one can measure like a believer the depth and the intensity of God's love, but at the same time, no one can measure like a believer the effectiveness of our gloom, pessimism, low self-esteem, self-hatred, and despair that block God's way to us. 

Do you see why it is so important to lay hold of this basic truth of our faith? Because you're only going to be as big as your own concept of God. 

Remember the famous line of the French philosopher, Blaise Pascal? 'God made man in his own image and man returned the compliment.' We often make God in our own image and He winds up to be as fussy, rude, narrow-minded, legalistic, judgmental, unforgiving, and unloving as we are. 

In the past couple of three years, I have preached the Gospel to the financial community in Wall Street of NYC, the airmen and women of the Air-force Academy of Colorado Springs, a thousand physicians in Nairobi, I've been in churches in Lagrangian, Miami, Chicago, St. Louis, Seattle, San Diego, and honest, the God of so many Christians I meet is a God who's too small for me! Because he is not the God of the Word. He is not the God revealed by and in Jesus Christ who this moment comes right to your seat and says,

'I have a word for you.

I know your whole life story. I know every skeleton in your closet. I know every moment of sin, shame, dishonest, and degraded love that has darkened your past. Right now, I know your shallow faith, your feeble prayer life, your inconsistent discipleship.

And my word is this:

I dare you to trust that I love you just as you are and not as you should be, because you're never gonna be as you should be.   

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."- William Woodsworth

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."- William Woodsworth

Some days it takes everything in me to get out of my head and focus on the task at hand. The craziest part to me though is that then those days end with moments like this where all I want to do is pour my heart out into words... but I can't get to them! It's like they're all on a mad dash in different directions, running as fast and as far as they can. Maybe they have no desire to be tamed either. Maybe they know better than to let me catch them and put them on this paper for the world to see... maybe, just maybe, my subconscious is smarter than I think! 

It's hard to focus when all you want to do is be out in the big beautiful world. 

Exploring. 

Meeting new people. 

Actually getting to know the people you've already met. 

How did we get to this point? We've got so much vying for our time and attention that we don't even know where to start. Most of the time that doesn't seem to matter much anyway because our time's already been spoken for. 

I want to spend my time doing things that are meaningful. I don't mean to say that my 8-5 isn't meaningful, not by any means. I have an incredible team that I work with and I'm able to connect with those individuals because of the role I have and it's excellent. I mean, I want to be so intentional with my time that even my sillies don't get overlooked or forgotten. I think I've just allowed myself to be so calloused lately that everything's become routine. I've hardened my heart to avoid feeling that I've just become some dumb robot! 

Working on it. 

The other part of me is actively loving myself and embracing the silly little fool that I am. 

My goal is to write every other day - three to four times a week. I want to literally fill papers with the breathings of my heart. I want to document the crazy inner-workings of my heart and my mind. I want the truth to be seen and known by all those who encounter me. 

From the depths of your bones

to the smile shining across your face,

you are your own person.

Let it be known.

write drunk, edit sober...

Write drunk, edit sober - that's what they always say, write right?

Well, that's what my bottle of cab sauv is telling me right now... so, yes, that's what I'm doing...

You should do it too! Talk about liberation. :)

My assignment for the weekend was to have 30 pages of what 'would be' the beginning of my memoir ready for my accountability partners... Sorry guys... I'm afraid I'm just not there quite yet. Apparently there are a few things I need to get off my chest before I can dive that deep...

Somehow I feel I keep finding myself in these odd situation where people tell me I would never understand. Someone with children will tell me how terribly difficult their day-to-day life is - I have no doubt there are struggles, but think about the fact that you're complaining about a wonderful problem to someone who wants nothing more than what you're living. I'll be talking to someone who's been struggling with their weight... while I've never been 'medically' overweight, I've had/have my fair share of health issues and body complexes - somehow, I manage to gain the same 40 pounds every time I move to a magical place. (Hoping that was a phase... but avoiding the scale just in case!)

My point is, we've all got battles. We are all struggling with something. 

The past few weeks or months I've noticed a lot of less than fantastic things about myself that I'm really working on addressing. Being proactive, if you will.

Don't get me wrong, I have a really fantastic life. I really like it. (Honest!) But somewhere in the middle of trying to impress people who really don't need to be impressed and mysteriously losing my love-of-self, I've discovered there are a few things that might, just possibly be problematic in the long run:

Example A)

I am afraid I may never bear children, my biggest dream, either because I'll forever be alone or my body may not be adequate to do so. 

Example B)

I spend an absurd amount of time analyzing what I think people think of me. An. Absurd. Amount. Of. Time.  

Okay, there are too many to keep that up... 

My biggest challenge in life is letting go of people, even if they hurt me. 

I'm pretty sure I try to buy people's love in fear that they won't accept me otherwise. (Thanks Mom! But, seriously, love you and your gift-giving-love-buying-honest-ways...)

I feel like I've always kind of been a loner; therefore, I must have failed as a friend.

I almost always have a book on me so I can be invisible without actually feeling invisible in crowds and/or groups. 

I have a systemic infection that I am insanely self-conscious of... so much so, that I only get my hair cut once a year in order to avoid having anyone touch and/or see my scalp. 

I feel like I am an easy person to disregard, and it eats away at me pretty much daily. 

I almost always operate under the assumption that I care more about everyone else than they do about me. 

I unfollow people on Instagram and Facebook if their life seems too perfect because it makes me feel inadequate. 

I fear being alone forever, but have a really hard time letting down my guard so anyone interested might actually have the opportunity to see who I really am.

I hate emptying the dishwasher. 

Every day I see all my crazies and wonder if there's a man out there with a big enough heart to love me anyway.

I don't trust other drivers, and therefore, sometimes find callouses on my hands and have no reason deduct anything other than they must be from my road-rage/anxiety.

I want to write a book so badly it hurts, but am afraid of people telling me my story isn't worth reading. 

Sometimes, on my way to work, some random Led Zeppelin song will come on the radio and I'll be so caught up with the nostalgia and feelings of longing for my family, I will pull into my parking spot and not even notice my face is stained with tears.

I struggle every single day with feeling like I'm enough. Smart enough. Pretty enough. Fun enough. Good enough.

And, I cry... A lot. Like, most every emotion. 
...just ask my co-workers. :/

So, go on. Share your struggles! They're legitimate!

Tell the people you trust of the things that are weighing you down - who knows? Maybe they'll have some words of wisdom to encourage you! Crazier yet, perhaps they'll have struggled with the same exact thing?!

I don't mean to tell you I've been through it all, that there's nothing I've never hurt from. That's simply not the case. There are many times I've been entrusted with troubles that I can only imagine bearing. I honestly hope I won't ever be in the place to have to carry them, to be completely honest, but it's not to say that's how it'll all play out. We all have something we're carrying and really working through. It's a tough life... I'm 1000% convinced this world is a ghetto! Until we cross those pearly gates, it's not going to be easy - there's no two ways about.

But what I have learned (and apparently am still learning), is this: we have been given a community, a tribe. Whether we allow them to assist us in working through and unraveling our troubles is up to us. It's not easy, but it is worth it. 

My challenge to you today is this: 

Love those you've been given. Do something today to let down your guard just a bit to let those in your life to catch a little bit more of a glimpse of your beautiful self. 

I can tell you it's not going to be easy. 

It probably won't be comfortable.

It might not be pretty, either. 

But it'll be worth it. 

Do what you can today to love yourself and encourage others to do the same.

Much love, 

Lauren

self-love = getting out to catch the sunrise

We thought we'd for sure missed it...

All these colors and changes presented themselves within a half-hour.

Had anyone been around, they probably would have thought we were on a roller coaster or something, hooting and cheering like we'd never been out in the fresh air!

I just can't even...

Unfortunately, I had my 50mm lens on my camera which didn't allow me to catch the sun actually rising AND Mt. Hood at the same time, but I think it's safe to say there was enough beauty flowing it doesn't matter too terribly much. This shot was dramatic and incredible. Ah. :)

This is my view each morning as I struggle to make my way through traffic... It's distracting to say the least, but without it, that drive would be completely unbearable.