Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Celebrating and Grieving

In the last few days, I've come to realize that I can celebrate and grieve all at the same time. In the same breath, even. 
I went home over the summer to say goodbye to my beloved Aunt Harriet. She'd been fighting cancer pretty much since I moved out here and had recently been put in Hospice. It was wonderful and awful all at the same time. The best part though, was that I didn't tell anyone I was going to be home and got to spend every waking moment with my sweet family. I love them so freaking much, often it hurts.
The struggle of taking an ussie with three savages.
Slumber parties are a non-negotiable when LaLa comes home. xo

I can't get enough of this photo. I want to hang it everywhere so I can see their darling smiles and personalities everywhere I look.
On my way back to the best coast from my visit, I just so happened to be in the very best place at the very best time. At the time, I didn't immediately recognize it as such, but as the day played out and once I got home and confirmed my luck, it was a nice treat to reaffirm my decision to go home when I did. The flight I was on was overbooked and they were desperate for people to volunteer to take a different flight. It was messy and a little stressful, but in the end, I managed to get home only an our later than planned and had $800 Delta dollars to put towards another adventure. I very much could have put that towards some epic international extravaganza, but I am always craving more time with my beloveds and decided that was the best way to spend the new found treasure. Dad's birthday was a few months out, so I got a ticket for him and Leify to come visit. 

Little did we know, their flight would be just days after Harriet's passing. 

They ended up having to buy one-way tickets out a day later so they could partake in the ceremony, but they made it.

Let me tell you. 
That was the best timing anyone could have planned.
I was hurting big time.
I probably took them too many places so we didn't have to deal with the inner turmoil from losing someone we cherished so dearly, but we did get to do some serious sharing and celebrating. Dad shared a story that was shared at the funeral of how my cousin's oldest had been so tickled to get to be Harriet's pen-pal for the months leading up to her death. (He got the jackpot, she was always amazing with story and word!)
Leif shared some of the stories of how he used to make her laugh. He has always been such an enthusiast when it comes to life. He appears to be mellow as an adult, but he's still the goofy passionate one who will do nearly anything to make you laugh/lighten the mood.

Dad and Harriet shared the same birthday, so we had a party in their honor... I guess that'll be the new tradition. :)

My two favorite Hanson men on my most very favorite coast!
All this to say, Dad and Leif showed up at just the right time. 
We were able to laugh and we were able to shed some tears.
We celebrated and will continue to grieve.

The beauty of this land didn't hurt the process.
Just south of Cannon Beach looking south down the coast.

My favorite coffee stop since 2006. I need to go back to get the barista's full story, she's from the midwest too!

Happy Daddy.

Leif's over pictures. He should realize how many I held back on. Shoot.

So freakin' excited to share such a special place with my favorites!

I am so undeniably blessed. I live in one of the most gorgeous areas of the world. I need to soak it up more often.
Bonus!! I drug Leif and Dad to entirely too many places too far away from each other (alllll over Portland and then down to Tillamook and up the coast to Astoria!) On their last day, I took them to the Tiny Home Show... I took my man-friend too! Check out this awesome picture! I keep it on my desk at work for when I need a pick-me-up. :)
Big man in a tiny tub!!

Saturday, September 15, 2018

A few years ago, I was living back in my hometown and our church did a series called 'Iowa Nice'. I'll be honest, I probably missed a couple sermons and I couldn't, for the life of me, tell you what all the nitty gritty details of that series were today, but the theme was that it's one thing to be 'nice', it is something else entirely to be genuine and transparent. That something else entirely is a little tricky to find, but pretty spectacular when you do. It's hard to miss and really beautiful when you're able to live it out.

I struggle with this 'Iowa Nice' thing. I think this season of struggle and heartache and exhaustion has taught me that in an unhealthy way, in my mind it's easier for me to say 'yes' and allow others to so influence my behavior just to avoid some conflict or friction. I'm (re)learning that sometimes it's way more than necessary for me to un-plug, un-commit, and maybe even un-learn some things in order to un-interrupt the beauty of just being where you're at: strugglebus 'n all.
Nearly a year ago, I took my special 'treat-yo-self' fund and bought a ticket to a conference called Birth Without Fear. Anyone who knows even a sliver of my heart knows all I want is to be a mama bear and smother all my baby bear cubs with all the love that makes me the crazy individual that I am. They also know that I am a quirky, hopeless romantic who wants almost desperately (I just don't like that word, makes me sound weak, which... I'm not really in a place to admit/agree to) to find her other-half / sweetheart / beloved / life-partner / mate / companion / lover ... you get the idea. (Sorry if I lost ya on that run...) These are the desires of my heart, but it turns out that you have to, like, eat and sleep in order to do any of the other wonderful, adventurous things this life can entail. I have spent the last five years trying to explore and discover how I can take my desire to be a mama bear and lover/helper and put it into practice to financially support my life. I was able to train as a doula four years ago and was so crazy on fire - I'd share with anyone and everyone who would listen to me. It was awesome. I'm not huge into astrology signs, but my inner Aries was in full-flame. I learned a lot of extremely helpful pieces of information at that training and through all the people and resources I was able to access because of that training, but I haven't been able to dive into the birthing world too much in these last nearly five years because of the aforementioned strugglebus of life and bills and surviving and such. 
You know, details.

That conference was today. I have been in such a heavy, dark place these last few months that just getting myself to work and coming home to sleep every night has taken more than my energy reserves have been able to re-collect and squirt back out everyday. Today was exhausting, to say the least, but just as Mama J (January Harshe, the magical unicorn of a human and founder of Birth Without Fear, herself,) warned, very healing. We covered SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. She is the epitome of that something-else-entirely I spoke of earlier. She is grace and truth and grit and love and exactly the cheerleader I was needing for this season. There was something really difficult for me to be in a room full of women (and a few super supportive men!) sharing their birth stories when I didn't have one and don't honestly know if/when I will (I know I'm not OLD, old, but the clock is ticking and when you're not actively trying, you don't know if everything works like it's supposed to, ya know?) Everything she said in regards to pregnancy and birth and postpartum so related to my messy life of singleness. I'm not trying to be all 'woe-is-me', I'm really just trying to be honest and it's hard. Life is hard! I was hoping and expecting to walk away from today with a better direction career-wise of what my next steps should look like and a re-ignited passion for supporting families in bringing their honeys into the world with a voice to have the birth experience they choose. I can't say that didn't happen at all, but it was more of a loud and clear affirmation that this season of saying 'no' and agreeing to less is more than okay. It's necessary for me and if others aren't a fan of it, they can deal and find a different way to work through their next season of struggle, one that works better for them.

*I share these things because if I need to hear them, someone else out there probably needs to hear it too.*

Our world is constantly changing. Yes, history repeats itself, but each generation has its own strange new quirks to navigate and we don't always know how to encourage each other on this journey. I went to this conference with an expectation of direction and clarity. I walked away with confirmation that even when life is difficult and feels too tough to handle, there are people who are going through something entirely different, but equally as hard and as crazy as it is to wrap my mind around, we're both going to make it through the storm stronger than when we entered it. I am eager to be wiser and be able to encourage others in seasons with similar struggles, but for now, I just appreciate those who have learned how to use their voice to encourage, empower, and build others up. Just trying to flex those muscles more and more so I can do the same. 


Thanks Mama J, so appreciate your love and passion to share your wisdom and build community. 

xo

Friday, February 2, 2018

BACK IN THE GAME!

A year and half later and I'm BACK IN THE GAME. :)






Totally just realized I would have absolutely no trouble creating a lengthy blog post allllll about
10 Things I Hate About You,
but anyone who's actually had the privilege of  watching that masterpiece with me
 would be able to tell you first hand,
a) it's not all that fun and
b) it's actually
less entertaining with my commentary (crazy, I KNOW.)
Don't you worry though, it hasn't stopped me from reciting all the lines yet!

So, life is tricky, right? Exhausting even at times? Yeah, occasionally. And to be completely honest, after sitting at a desk all day staring at a screen, that typically the last thing I want to do in my free time while I'm at home. HOWEVER, the past month or so, I've been a total hermit and have been reading some utterly delicious books and it's been making me want to get my words out of my head and anywhere where they are cohesive SO STINKING BAD!! There are so many different aspects of the vulnerability that you must come to terms with when sharing any sort of creation with others let along the WORLD WIDE WEB. These vulnerabilities can occasionally be crippling, at times to the point of keeping my thoughts at bay for a whopping 18 months.

This year is going to be different though. I've got adventures people. BIG ONES. They're all just waiting to be devoured. Once I digest them, I'll share 'em with you. Deal? :) Excellent. 

Welp, that's all for now, just had to jump back on here and break the ice. Don't worry, I'll be back. :)