Wednesday, October 14, 2015

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."- William Woodsworth

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."- William Woodsworth

Some days it takes everything in me to get out of my head and focus on the task at hand. The craziest part to me though is that then those days end with moments like this where all I want to do is pour my heart out into words... but I can't get to them! It's like they're all on a mad dash in different directions, running as fast and as far as they can. Maybe they have no desire to be tamed either. Maybe they know better than to let me catch them and put them on this paper for the world to see... maybe, just maybe, my subconscious is smarter than I think! 

It's hard to focus when all you want to do is be out in the big beautiful world. 

Meeting new people. 
Actually getting to know the people you've already met. 

How did we get to this point? We've got so much vying for our time and attention that we don't even know where to start. Most of the time that doesn't seem to matter much anyway because our time's already been spoken for. 

I want to spend my time doing things that are meaningful. I don't mean to say that my 8-5 isn't meaningful, not by any means. I have an incredible team that I work with and I'm able to connect with those individuals because of the role I have and it's excellent. I mean, I want to be so intentional with my time that even my sillies don't get overlooked or forgotten. I think I've just allowed myself to be so calloused lately that everything's become routine. I've hardened my heart to avoid feeling that I've just become some dumb robot! 

Working on it. 

The other part of me is actively loving myself and embracing the silly little fool that I am. 

My goal is to write every other day - three to four times a week. I want to literally fill papers with the breathings of my heart. I want to document the crazy inner-workings of my heart and my mind. I want the truth to be seen and known by all those who encounter me. 

From the depths of your bones
to the smile shining across your face,
you are your own person.
Let it be known.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

write drunk, edit sober...

Write drunk, edit sober - that's what they always say, write right?

Well, that's what my bottle of cab sauv is telling me right now... so, yes, that's what I'm doing...

You should do it too! Talk about liberation. :)

My assignment for the weekend was to have 30 pages of what 'would be' the beginning of my memoir ready for my accountability partners... Sorry guys... I'm afraid I'm just not there quite yet. Apparently there are a few things I need to get off my chest before I can dive that deep...

Somehow I feel I keep finding myself in these odd situation where people tell me I would never understand. Someone with children will tell me how terribly difficult their day-to-day life is - I have no doubt there are struggles, but think about the fact that you're complaining about a wonderful problem to someone who wants nothing more than what you're living. I'll be talking to someone who's been struggling with their weight... while I've never been 'medically' overweight, I've had/have my fair share of health issues and body complexes - somehow, I manage to gain the same 40 pounds every time I move to a magical place. (Hoping that was a phase... but avoiding the scale just in case!)

My point is, we've all got battles. We are all struggling with something

The past few weeks or months I've noticed a lot of less than fantastic things about myself that I'm really working on addressing. Being proactive, if you will.

Don't get me wrong, I have a really fantastic life. I really like it. (Honest!) But somewhere in the middle of trying to impress people who really don't need to be impressed and mysteriously losing my love-of-self, I've discovered there are a few things that might, just possibly be problematic in the long run:

Example A)

I am afraid I may never bear children, my biggest dream, either because I'll forever be alone or my body may not be adequate to do so. 

Example B)

I spend an absurd amount of time analyzing what I think people think of me. An. Absurd. Amount. Of. Time.  

Okay, there are too many to keep that up... 

My biggest challenge in life is letting go of people, even if they hurt me. 

I'm pretty sure I try to buy people's love in fear that they won't accept me otherwise. (Thanks Mom! But, seriously, love you and your gift-giving-love-buying-honest-ways...)

I feel like I've always kind of been a loner; therefore, I must have failed as a friend.

I almost always have a book on me so I can be invisible without actually feeling invisible in crowds and/or groups. 

I have a systemic infection that I am insanely self-conscious of... so much so, that I only get my hair cut once a year in order to avoid having anyone touch and/or see my scalp. 

I feel like I am an easy person to disregard, and it eats away at me pretty much daily. 

I almost always operate under the assumption that I care more about everyone else than they do about me. 

I unfollow people on Instagram and Facebook if their life seems too perfect because it makes me feel inadequate. 

I fear being alone forever, but have a really hard time letting down my guard so anyone interested might actually have the opportunity to see who I really am.

I hate emptying the dishwasher. 

Every day I see all my crazies and wonder if there's a man out there with a big enough heart to love me anyway.

I don't trust other drivers, and therefore, sometimes find callouses on my hands and have no reason deduct anything other than they must be from my road-rage/anxiety.

I want to write a book so badly it hurts, but am afraid of people telling me my story isn't worth reading. 

Sometimes, on my way to work, some random Led Zeppelin song will come on the radio and I'll be so caught up with the nostalgia and feelings of longing for my family, I will pull into my parking spot and not even notice my face is stained with tears.

I struggle every single day with feeling like I'm enough. Smart enough. Pretty enough. Fun enough. Good enough.

And, I cry... A lot. Like, most every emotion. 
...just ask my co-workers. :/

So, go on. Share your struggles! They're legitimate!

Tell the people you trust of the things that are weighing you down - who knows? Maybe they'll have some words of wisdom to encourage you! Crazier yet, perhaps they'll have struggled with the same exact thing?!

I don't mean to tell you I've been through it all, that there's nothing I've never hurt from. That's simply not the case. There are many times I've been entrusted with troubles that I can only imagine bearing. I honestly hope I won't ever be in the place to have to carry them, to be completely honest, but it's not to say that's how it'll all play out. We all have something we're carrying and really working through. It's a tough life... I'm 1000% convinced this world is a ghetto! Until we cross those pearly gates, it's not going to be easy - there's no two ways about.

But what I have learned (and apparently am still learning), is this: we have been given a community, a tribe. Whether we allow them to assist us in working through and unraveling our troubles is up to us. It's not easy, but it is worth it. 

My challenge to you today is this: 

Love those you've been given. Do something today to let down your guard just a bit to let those in your life to catch a little bit more of a glimpse of your beautiful self. 

I can tell you it's not going to be easy. 

It probably won't be comfortable.

It might not be pretty, either. 

But it'll be worth it. 

Do what you can today to love yourself and encourage others to do the same.

Much love,