...therefore choose life...LIVE.

A few years ago, I was living back in my hometown and our church did a series called 'Iowa Nice'. I'll be honest, I probably missed a couple sermons and I couldn't, for the life of me, tell you what all the nitty gritty details of that series were today, but the theme was that it's one thing to be 'nice', it is something else entirely to be genuine and transparent. That something else entirely is a little tricky to find, but pretty spectacular when you do. It's hard to miss and really beautiful when you're able to live it out.

I struggle with this 'Iowa Nice' thing. I think this season of struggle and heartache and exhaustion has taught me that in an unhealthy way, in my mind it's easier for me to say 'yes' and allow others to so influence my behavior just to avoid some conflict or friction. I'm (re)learning that sometimes it's way more than necessary for me to un-plug, un-commit, and maybe even un-learn some things in order to un-interrupt the beauty of just being where you're at: strugglebus 'n all.

Nearly a year ago, I took my special 'treat-yo-self' fund and bought a ticket to a conference called Birth Without Fear. Anyone who knows even a sliver of my heart knows all I want is to be a mama bear and smother all my baby bear cubs with all the love that makes me the crazy individual that I am. They also know that I am a quirky, hopeless romantic who wants almost desperately (I just don't like that word, makes me sound weak, which... I'm not really in a place to admit/agree to) to find her other-half / sweetheart / beloved / life-partner / mate / companion / lover ... you get the idea. (Sorry if I lost ya on that run...) These are the desires of my heart, but it turns out that you have to, like, eat and sleep in order to do any of the other wonderful, adventurous things this life can entail. I have spent the last five years trying to explore and discover how I can take my desire to be a mama bear and lover/helper and put it into practice to financially support my life. I was able to train as a doula four years ago and was so crazy on fire - I'd share with anyone and everyone who would listen to me. It was awesome. I'm not huge into astrology signs, but my inner Aries was in full-flame. I learned a lot of extremely helpful pieces of information at that training and through all the people and resources I was able to access because of that training, but I haven't been able to dive into the birthing world too much in these last nearly five years because of the aforementioned strugglebus of life and bills and surviving and such. 
You know, details.

That conference was today. I have been in such a heavy, dark place these last few months that just getting myself to work and coming home to sleep every night has taken more than my energy reserves have been able to re-collect and squirt back out everyday. Today was exhausting, to say the least, but just as Mama J (January Harshe, the magical unicorn of a human and founder of Birth Without Fear, herself,) warned, very healing. We covered SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. She is the epitome of that something-else-entirely I spoke of earlier. She is grace and truth and grit and love and exactly the cheerleader I was needing for this season. There was something really difficult for me to be in a room full of women (and a few super supportive men!) sharing their birth stories when I didn't have one and don't honestly know if/when I will (I know I'm not OLD, old, but the clock is ticking and when you're not actively trying, you don't know if everything works like it's supposed to, ya know?) Everything she said in regards to pregnancy and birth and postpartum so related to my messy life of singleness. I'm not trying to be all 'woe-is-me', I'm really just trying to be honest and it's hard. Life is hard! I was hoping and expecting to walk away from today with a better direction career-wise of what my next steps should look like and a re-ignited passion for supporting families in bringing their honeys into the world with a voice to have the birth experience they choose. I can't say that didn't happen at all, but it was more of a loud and clear affirmation that this season of saying 'no' and agreeing to less is more than okay. It's necessary for me and if others aren't a fan of it, they can deal and find a different way to work through their next season of struggle, one that works better for them.

*I share these things because if I need to hear them, someone else out there probably needs to hear it too.*

Our world is constantly changing. Yes, history repeats itself, but each generation has its own strange new quirks to navigate and we don't always know how to encourage each other on this journey. I went to this conference with an expectation of direction and clarity. I walked away with confirmation that even when life is difficult and feels too tough to handle, there are people who are going through something entirely different, but equally as hard and as crazy as it is to wrap my mind around, we're both going to make it through the storm stronger than when we entered it. I am eager to be wiser and be able to encourage others in seasons with similar struggles, but for now, I just appreciate those who have learned how to use their voice to encourage, empower, and build others up. Just trying to flex those muscles more and more so I can do the same. 

Thanks Mama J, so appreciate your love and passion to share your wisdom and build community. 

xo