Life is hard.
Am I right?
I mean, I don't have anything out of the ordinary to really complain about, but this crazy thing that I somehow always feel I need to have a real grip on (life), is confusing, and grey and, just really hard to navigate!
I am a feeler.
I base my thoughts and decisions and opinions more off of my intuition and emotions than on pure logic and reasoning. That being said, I feel very deeply. Everything. I don't know how to change this. Being more 'mindful' of it often merely highlights the fact that my heart is very active and can get distracting from things that need my focus and attention.
I have a good grip of who I am and I very much enjoy that individual. I am also a people pleaser and do what I can to do just that... I like being happy; therefore, I enjoy being a catalyst and brightening other peoples' days. Not entirely a bad thing.
Until. I let it go too far.
Recently I found myself compromising who I am deep down in my core in an attempt to impress someone I knew and cared for many moons ago. Nothing I was doing was beneficial to either of us. My Our communication was nearly nonexistent. I found myself keeping to myself because he didn't seem interested and would mostly only share critical comments on who I was and the fears that I carried with me. Through all this, I discovered a hang-up I have allowed into quite a few areas of my life: I am now aware that I am pretty notorious for 'white-knuckling'.
This experience has taught me that I cling to that which I desire the most in fear of losing it, but that desperate energy that fuels my existence chases these things away. (Duh. Scary!) Apparently, sometimes the mere purpose of a relationship is to tear down your walls. Shake you awake. Reveal the best parts of you to you. Sometimes that requires ample amounts of ruthless self-awareness and introspection. Again, not easy and certainly not fun.
Through all this discovery, I've come to the conclusion that there is an expiration to how long we hold onto something. We are unable to hold onto something that is no longer serving us - sometimes this comes in the form of an unexpected expense, an unfortunate layoff, or a super out-of-the-blue blindsiding breakup. When something is no longer serving our best interest, it will be removed from our lives regardless of our preference. If you're over attached to someone out of fear of being alone, that clinging and clutching result in even greater pain when the relationship ends or shifts into another direction.
What am I doing to rid my life of this hangup?
That's a great question...
I don't have a formula.
My approach is going to be one that allows more room for freedom and encouragement to be myself, less room for painful criticism and the perspective of unworthiness, and more room for acceptance, satisfaction, and love.
I know this might sound pretty hippy, dippy, but heartache sucks and sometimes the revelations it brings with it are kind of mind-blowing!
We all have the opportunity to surrender to the natural flow of life, love, true connection. The trick is whether we allow ourselves to loosen the grip we've become so accustomed to in order for authenticity to shine through. My goal is to embrace change and step out in to this beautiful world with an open heart and open palms!
